Today marks the last day of April. May is already here, which means it's time for some made up FML's.
Today, my parents got me a new car for my 17th birthday. My dad jokingly said that I should try driving it on top of a lake. I later found a dead body in the trunk. FML
Today, I ran into my boyfriend's mom at the grocery store. I accidentally spilt some drinks on the floor which caused her to slip and fall onto the little Mexican child that I also accidentally placed behind her. FML
Today, I got an erection while doing some reading in class. The girl next to me saw it and started smacking the shit out of it with her textbook. She thought it was a rat crawling in my pants. FML
Today, I really needed to use the bathroom while in class. When I got the chance, I quickly ran to the nearest bathroom stall and started peeing without realizing that there was someone sitting in the seat. I was R. Kelly for two minutes. FML
Today, my wife gave birth to our first child. It was a boy. It was also black. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's grandfather for the first time. I went to shake his hand but soon realized that he did not have any. FML
Today, I walked in on my son having sex. My son is a homo. I saw live-action gay porn. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to call my bestfriend, who is mexican, a beaner. I got jumped after school. FML
Today, a car crashed into my bathroom while I was taking a shit. It ran over the toilet paper. FML
Today, after a long talk about abstinence with my extremely conservative grandmother, she walked in on me listening to the Jonas Brothers. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke-up with me for my best friend. My best friend is imaginary. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of four years when she proves to me that she is a man. FML
Today, I fell asleep while getting a haircut. I woke up two hours later missing one kidney and looking like T-Pain. FML
Today, my balls started to itch while I was in class so I reached down to scratch them. The guy sitting next to me screamed "What the hell?" I scratched the wrong pair of balls. FML
Joke of the day: They always said that a black man would be president only when pigs fly. After Barack Obama's first 100 days, Swine Flu.
Lol @ how often I update. I have the hiccups.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
17 Stories: If I Wrote for www.fmylife.com
Everyday, fmylife gains more and more bizarre stories and even more popularity. Many people across the nation have spent countless hours reading about how someone's life has been fucked. Many of the stories on the website are convincing but the rest of just seem a bit too far fetched. Nevertheless, they keep us entertained and at least we can say that we've put in some reading into our day. Ever since I started reading these stories, I always thought that I could write for this website. So here is my attempt to mimic the unfortunate stories from fmylife.
Today, I spent 2 hours reading stories on www.fmylife.com instead of studying for my Math 143 final which is in 30 minutes. FML
Today, I figured this girl thought I was cute because she kept looking over at me. Later in the bathroom, I found that my friends had drawn a big ass penis on the side of my face and wrote the word "Cock" backwards on my forhead after I had passed out from drinking last night. FML
Today, I was fired for showing up to work drunk. I'm a prostitute. FML
Today, I went to an authentic mexican restaurant and got the "Cesar Chavez Special." It was just an empty plate. FML
Today, I got frustrated while playing Wii Sports and started cursing at the T.V. My newborn nephew overheard me. His first words ever were "fat bitch." FML
Today, a group of boys in a car drove by honking and whistling at me, screaming "Show us your tits, both of them." I am a man. FML
Today, my boyfriend's mom walked in on us having sex. He became very still because he thought that she wouldn't notice him if he didn't move. Dumbass. FML
Today, I mistook my girlfriend's birth control for my allergy medicine. I am starting to develop breasts. FML
Today, I got an erection during P.E. while in my gym shorts. My teacher randomly picked me to demonstrate jumping jacks. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me having sex with my girlfriend. I am 37 years old. FML
Today, my grandma wanted to borrow my iPod for her cruise to Alaska. After the ship left from the docks, I realized that I had a bunch of porn on my iPod. FML
Today, my professor walked over to me because she thought she heard a phone. She reached into my bag and pulled out my vibrator. FML
Today, I asked my mom for some AA batteries. She immediately pulled out her vibrator and handed me two AA batteries. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house and went to get some cereal from her kitchen. While pouring the Cheerios into my bowl, I noticed that the box was unusually heavy. I reached in and pulled out her vibrator. FML
Today, my crush handed me a present at my birthday dinner. Excited, I immediately opened it first. It was a vibrator. I am a boy. FML
Today, vibrator. FML
Today, I gave the girl next to me a dirty look because I thought she farted. She immediately looked back at me disgusted. It turns out I was the one who farted. FML
You enjoyed my first blog. I'll write more when I find things to write about. Comment. Follow. Subscribe. E-mail. It's simple.
Today, I spent 2 hours reading stories on www.fmylife.com instead of studying for my Math 143 final which is in 30 minutes. FML
Today, I figured this girl thought I was cute because she kept looking over at me. Later in the bathroom, I found that my friends had drawn a big ass penis on the side of my face and wrote the word "Cock" backwards on my forhead after I had passed out from drinking last night. FML
Today, I was fired for showing up to work drunk. I'm a prostitute. FML
Today, I went to an authentic mexican restaurant and got the "Cesar Chavez Special." It was just an empty plate. FML
Today, I got frustrated while playing Wii Sports and started cursing at the T.V. My newborn nephew overheard me. His first words ever were "fat bitch." FML
Today, a group of boys in a car drove by honking and whistling at me, screaming "Show us your tits, both of them." I am a man. FML
Today, my boyfriend's mom walked in on us having sex. He became very still because he thought that she wouldn't notice him if he didn't move. Dumbass. FML
Today, I mistook my girlfriend's birth control for my allergy medicine. I am starting to develop breasts. FML
Today, I got an erection during P.E. while in my gym shorts. My teacher randomly picked me to demonstrate jumping jacks. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me having sex with my girlfriend. I am 37 years old. FML
Today, my grandma wanted to borrow my iPod for her cruise to Alaska. After the ship left from the docks, I realized that I had a bunch of porn on my iPod. FML
Today, my professor walked over to me because she thought she heard a phone. She reached into my bag and pulled out my vibrator. FML
Today, I asked my mom for some AA batteries. She immediately pulled out her vibrator and handed me two AA batteries. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house and went to get some cereal from her kitchen. While pouring the Cheerios into my bowl, I noticed that the box was unusually heavy. I reached in and pulled out her vibrator. FML
Today, my crush handed me a present at my birthday dinner. Excited, I immediately opened it first. It was a vibrator. I am a boy. FML
Today, vibrator. FML
Today, I gave the girl next to me a dirty look because I thought she farted. She immediately looked back at me disgusted. It turns out I was the one who farted. FML
You enjoyed my first blog. I'll write more when I find things to write about. Comment. Follow. Subscribe. E-mail. It's simple.
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